My Mother’s Angels

Yesterday when I saw my mother crying and sobbing because the chicks, the hens and roosters she was raising and taking care of for more than a year, are all dying day after day, they were hit by the flu and they start to die and nothing to be done even though she was taking care of them daily, continuously […]

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Nostalgia

Lebanese Arabic: بتذكر من زمان لما كانت جمعة العيلة الكبيرة حلوة، كنّا ننطرا مناطرة ونقضّي أحلى وقت بلا تفكير وتحليل….كانت ضحكاتنا صادقة وكان في كتير حب ودفا  هلق بطّلع  وما بشوف إلّا خبث وكره وتفرقة…بشوف الوجوه المزدوجة وبسمع قديش في كذب وكلام مؤذي وبسأل اذا الناس بتتغير او نحنا منكبر ومنصير نشوف الأمور ع حقيقتها منكون ملهيين باللعب نحنا وزغار […]

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Winter is here!

I was always a summer person, I love the sun appearance and sensation, love to feel the warmth, the peace that a sunny day brings. I feel good, I feel happy just from seeing the sun! Winter has started and it seems serious this year! The winter starts officially in Lebanon on December 21st. I was checking random posts on […]

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Flashback – 2

Soldier: where are you heading? Mother: to our house Soldier looking at the teenage girl: what do you have in this bag? Girl: clothes He took the bag and dropped all the clothes on the floor and the girl felt so angry so mad…this soldier supposed to protect her not humiliate her… She gathered the clothes, put them back in […]

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The Power Of Love

“See how easy it is to be heartless and cruel? It is so easy!! But it requires a great strength to have a loving heart! Fuck off” (Part of a story I wrote) Love is not for weak people, those who are always afraid to be rejected, to be dumped, to be left alone, to be cheated on, Love is for those who went through all the above and they are still able to love and not afraid to try again because they know very well it’s not about them, it’s not personal even though it’s hard not to take it so personally! They consider that whoever hurts them it’s their problem and their issues! They just move on and continue living and loving…. Feelings change and people change, it’s not a problem, just never stop loving and trying; Even if they mock you, reject you, laugh on your feelings…it’s always about them, it’s always their issues and their problem, because they are unable to love, because they simply don’t like you, they’re not interested..etc…I mean what about the people that are chasing you and you’re not interested? you keep bragging that this girl or this guy is crazy about me but you don’t care… So when people reject you, you don’t close your heart and become rude and heartless, you just move on and keep loving and caring…Love is the only power that can change the world for the […]

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Unfair…

We give our attention, love, devotion or support…sometimes our all,  to people that eventually use us and hurt us deeply….That when we meet people that deserve our devotion, love and support, we are too broken, too afraid to even look at them! And this so unfair for them and for us… H.A – Written in December 2018

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Strong faith

I wish sometimes I can have the deep and strong faith I used to have as a child when I used to drop my small ring on the big road full of gravel, sands, grass and sometimes thorns…And I always knew I will find it…and I always did! (I still have this ring) Written in December 2018

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Disconnected

I don’t recognize the reality anymore, it’s annoying and disgusting. I feel disconnected from this real world, ugly world… Sometimes I look into people eyes and I hear nothing from what they say…I look around and I don’t see anything! I’m just living in a virtual world…I’m stuck in my story, I’m stuck with you! Written in November 2018

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We Don’t Get To Choose

I hurt so many people unintentionally or maybe because I was hurt. As many people hurt me unintentionally or because they are hurt. This is can’t be stopped or prevented. We love whom we love, we like whom we like and we don’t get to choose the chemistry, the connection, the telepathy and the attraction. The world would be pain-free if we get to choose! At some point, we will all be treated the same way we treated another person, so we know the feeling very well but we can’t do anything about it. Fair enough, I guess. Written in October 2017  

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Kindness….

Whatever you do in life, whether you learn something new every year, you have BA, master, many certificates and high level educations, buy new stuff, buy branded clothes, hi-tech electronics and stuff, whether you are super smart and beautiful…You will find that someone else just did it, or someone is better than you or like you….someone has invented things you thought about, opened businesses you wanted to have, you feel that there is a lot of everything, too much competition, too much information, too much things…you feel that your ideas or feelings are outdated, you are so left behind, many have been there, did what you wanted to do….there is too much of everything….except kindness, it is so so few… being kind and nice will always be creative! And it’s never outdated. Just be kind and expect nothing in return… When I go back and remember all the people that were in my life, that never forget about me despite the distance and time….I find only one reason: I was nice! They didn’t care if I was smart, and I wasn’t rich nor famous…I had nothing to give…but I was kind! Something I lost maybe years later, I’ve become more rigid and intimidating…because I couldn’t handle the heavy burden of being alone in a world full of hatred, hypocrisy and fake people…I was standing alone and I felt a huge responsibility, a lot of pressure! I wasn’t that strong so […]

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Random Thoughts

When you have something, you cannot imagine what it’s like to not have it unless you lost it at some point, so it’s useless to keep thinking that this person is so lucky, they have family, they have money, they have health…how they can’t see how lucky they are! These people don’t know what you’re talking about unless they lose some of the things they took for granted even if they didn’t have any bad intention they just don’t know what it’s like to be otherwise! A beautiful girl, rich and loved by her family will never understand what it’s like to be not so pretty, or poor, or not well surrounded or loved…it’s the only reality she knows, until something happens and her reality changes or collapse, then or she begins to understand or she just falls apart for good…. So when I look at people that were born in respectful civilized countries where applicable laws rule over….living in healthy environment, having their basic rights and respect and education and so….I wonder why would they be unhappy or miserable? I walk in the streets, I feel stressed and unhappy, I drive I lose my mind and many times so nearly my life! I’m struggling for my basic rights and I have none! Family and love, well no comment!Then I realize how wrong I am, because these people don’t know what the hell I’m talking about but they still can […]

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2018 Resolutions and Lessons!

2018 is over; It was mostly and generally a dull year full of disappointments, sad events, loss of great people and economic crisis that led many to lose their jobs and a certain level of living. Despite, we always learn and improve: Personally, I was convinced that exercise and workout should be a habit, a life style and so it was. I lost 34 pounds and maintaining my weight perfectly. I learned to enjoy my own company and to embrace quality time with myself. I was convinced that some people have a short role in your life, some have only one scene, some just pass by in the background of your life events…when you know that, you just let go and it’s not nonchalance or rudeness, it’s just accepting the facts and moving on. I was convinced that marriage is the worst institution ever and society is so fucked up struggling to maintain a fake image and many innocent creatures are paying a huge price. I was sad to realize that the woman in my country is not respected as they are claiming especially as a mother and partner; even her children won’t stand for her when she needs them, those children that she gave them her all and her life… I witnessed how Lebanese society is retarded, judgmental and racist apart from a small percentage of very well educated and respectful people that are lost among these garbage and […]

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Our Happy Ending

We live our life hoping that a day will come and we’ll no longer feel pain, we will find happiness, love, we will no longer cry silently….we will have our happy ending and for once everything will be perfect and finally we will experience serenity….But the thing that we remain unhappy but we don’t talk about it anymore We feel pain but nobody knows, we hide our feelings perfectly and we restrain our emotions, our anger and all kind of feelings: heartbreaking, jealousy, pain in the chest, agony, disappointment, rejection, loneliness, confusion….feeling helpless, empty, useless, vulnerable, miserable….etc We keep feeling some or all this but we make sure nobody knows…this is the only thing that changes! We bury everything deep down inside, we smile and pretend we really reached our happy ending  Written in September 2017

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People claim

People claim: I want honest people in my life, I’m full of liars But….when you are honest, they run away from you… People claim: I need someone to care …I’m full of careless and cold people But….when you care and spread warmth and tender….they feel scared and confused and send you to hell in the first opportunity People claim: I need someone loyal and have integrity; I’m full of cheaters and manipulation But….when you are loyal and ready to die for them….they take you for granted and look into the first eyes they meet… People claim: I want to be treated in a special way; I want to feel unique and different than others But….when you treat them like no other, and do all what it takes to make them special and unique…they don’t even notice and they become more and more arrogant. People don’t need any from what they claim! People just need to do what they want but with the people they choose even if it’s lying, cheating, manipulating or whatsoever … And they won’t notice or even care about any honesty, care, love….if they are coming from the people they don’t want…. People that are claiming, just stop complaining…. You are choosing to be what you are; you are choosing to be with whom you are  You are choosing the storm when there is a shelter You are choosing the darkness when there is a light You […]

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