A Wise Old Man Once Said – Jealousy

I woke up on a beautiful warm sunny day, I have been waiting for the security situation to be better and for riots and roadblocks to stop so I can move.
So, I decided to go out and see the wise old man “Senan”. I was wondering since that day if I will ever meet him again.
I walked straight towards the old shop on the corner where he was sitting the last day, and suddenly I saw him sitting in the same place as if I haven’t left him at all.
I approached him with a smile on my face:

“Hello, Mr. Senan”

He raised his head and smiled back at me.

“Remember me”? While kneeling a bit toward him.

“I have a great memory, my dear! Happy to see a smile on your face, I hope you managed to be happy”

“Well, it is a long process, but I hope I’m on the right way”. While having a seat beside him.

Senan fixed his posture to face me, he looked at me silently, then he was back to his original seat before he continues:

“After looking closely, I can see a heavy heart and an anxious mind”.

Suddenly, I felt naked, as if Senan can see through my soul, I can’t hide or pretend.

“Well, I woke up today with a heavy heart and I found myself heading towards this place hoping I will find you, maybe I came here seeking some wisdom, some clarity”

“You are welcome my dear, old Senan is always here”. And he lighted his cigarette as if he is ready to listen.

After his answer, I was relieved and confident to speak.

“What do you think about jealousy?”. And I was almost mumbling

“Oh! Jealousy is a very big word, and this is a very general question. Be specific”. And he breathed out a puff of cigarette smoke.

“Love jealousy, not the other jealousy, or envy”. And I was a bit shy.

Senan took a puff of his cigarette as if he were probably recalling many memories and flashbacks.

“You triggered a lot of memories here, but they are good and pleasant ones”. He suddenly answered my thoughts.

“Happy they were”. And I was eager to hear what Senan has to say about jealousy.

“Every person is jealous when they truly love, care, or simply admire someone, we have many possibilities here, but each person is jealous for a different reason. Some because they compare themselves to others and think they are never enough, therefore they are afraid of others, the entire time, and they lack confidence or self-esteem.

Other people may be jealous for trust issues that can easily aggravate and become sick jealousy, and it’s mostly the fruit of unsolved issues and possibly trauma. This is a very wide subject.

I gave him the “it’s not the case” face but Senan already saw my soul so he smiled and continued:

“When you have a brave heart and strong soul, you never do the comparison or competition game, because you are fully aware that being yourself is pretty much enough, you are fully aware of what you have to offer. Most importantly, you know your value and your abilities very well. So in this case, you get jealous for totally different reasons that have nothing to do with others or anyone”

He paused, looked at my face, and added:

“And as I can see you are this kind.”

I smiled and sadness was all over my face.

“Different reasons like what?”. And my voice was shaking.

“Like being the kind of person that loves madly and deeply and truly and fully until the person becomes your entire world and the air you breathe, you just live them and do all the other things in your life besides.

Consequently, you feel jealous that this person is away from you and maybe close to others but the jealousy is from needing their love and presence so much not from others.

Nevertheless, you should know that getting jealous of others is stupid because if the person loves you, nothing and nobody will affect this love, and if they don’t love you, nothing on earth will make them love you! Even if you are perfect, it’s irrelevant.”

I was mesmerized and tears suddenly jumped into my eyes, it was like Senan is an MRI machine and nothing is hidden. I sipped water and Senan was waiting for me attentively until I finally spoke:

“Probably I can’t express it as clearly as you did, but because I’m convinced how stupid and useless jealousy is, I don’t show my jealousy.”

“If you don’t show it, this doesn’t mean it’s not there, right?
And since we know why you are jealous, you need to be brave as you are and change the situation”.

“How can I change the situation when I’m not sure about the other person?

“You do whatever can be done if it’s mutual, and you can always feel when it’s mutual, but no point in stressing yourself because if you’re always chasing someone, it means they are running, the person that wants to be with you, will meet you halfway and will always find a way to be with you, especially if your doors are open wide. And even if they are closed, they will find a way if they truly want.”

I was silent for some time, reflecting on Senan words. Then he looked at me and added:

“Just don’t sit there waiting while you have all this love in your heart, just do whatever you can in the circumstances you have, and you are the only one who knows these circumstances.

Furthermore, you know very well that you can’t force yourself on anyone’s life especially when they set clear boundaries right?”

“Right, but sometimes the road seems blocked for hidden or even stupid reasons”. I replied in a very low voice full of disappointment, and Senan was shaking his head before he continued:

“Sometimes you discover that you can’t have this person in your life for many reasons, even though you have this strong intuition and deep feeling that this person truly loves you, so, you just settle for this even if it’s not actually and practically enough. You will probably never be together, so love will not be enough.

In that case, it’s enough to know the other person is happy with or without you, it doesn’t matter what you feel. You need to accept this fact and move on”.

“This is unfair and awful!”. Sadness and madness were all over my face.

Senan was observing me silently, he was fully understanding, he knows these feelings very well but he remained calm and continued:

“This is real life here and one day you will learn how to love without possessions or wait for any love in return. It’s hard yes, awful when your heart cries from longing and passion, but this is the only thing you get sometimes and you have to live with that dear.
But, if it’s mutual, wear your heart on your sleeve and never be afraid, be brave as you are. Love is not for the weak of the heart, love needs courage, you need to fight for what you want and mostly you need to be brave enough to be vulnerable not knowing if this might kill you. That vulnerable!
Never believe the trend that being careless and cold is a sign of strength. Careless and cold is so easy, hate is even easier but it requires great strength to have a loving heart, and you seem to have a brave loving heart and love is what brought you here today.”

I felt shy but Senan didn’t give me time to be shy. He just added:

“And I’m happy you did my dear.

I enjoyed the memories this conversation brought and now I want you to go and make great memories for yourself.”

“Thank…”

Senan didn’t want me to even thank him, he just shouted:

“Go! And Senan is always here.”

“See you soon wise Senan!”