Expatriation – The Inconsolable Reality
When your loved ones leave for good for the very first time in your life, you don’t know what to feel or what to do! You feel helpless, weak, vulnerable…
First you cry and sob, you miss them and you feel emptiness then you’re in denial, oh they will come back, they didn’t leave… Then you start to convince yourself that they are our only chance! Of course the time when you were still waiting for someone to save you and so…They’re away and they have good work so we’ll become rich hahah it’s a joke don’t believe this shit ever! But we all have it at some time.
After a while, after you’re tried from the distance, the emptiness, the void, you just become rigid and you suppress everything inside and you pretend that it’s normal, you even forget how it feels to miss someone…how it feels to meet someone after a very long time. You numb yourself and you even hate these people who are emotional and show their feelings of love and missing.
I was in Turkey in Taksim street and I visited some church in the middle of the street and I found a writing about Expatriation that took my attention, it was written in 3 languages: Arabic, English and Turkish.
Of course it was something religious but still it was amazingly expressed so I’ll write a part of it: (full text in the image below)
“Expatriation is a word known only to those who have been scorched by its flames. Expatriation is the death of desire for anything in life, even laughter in our hearts in our homes we’ve lost and it has become false laughter. Nothing but signs show on our faces. Our Expatriation is not only leaving our homelands but it’s being expatriates from our friends and from our simplest dreams that we raised inside ourselves since childhood.
Expatriation is like a cage, and we are the birds inside, no matter how beautiful the cage is, we still feel loneliness and loss and we continue to have nostalgia for all we’ve lost.”
When you’re born in a small country, in the time of wars and conflicts that never ended actually, the time where everybody has a seat on our table and everybody has a word in our house! The economic situation is in consistent agony, never-ending deterioration, the people emigrate, they run for their lives, they run to have a life, and they leave behind family and friends crying silently for the forced separation, living in hope of seeing them again while they’re still breathing!
They leave for a better life, but we don’t know if they’re happy, they’re struggling to live probably the same way we’re living, they are unhappy, feeling lonely? Feeling they’re in some cage? They certainly do!
But if they stayed probably they would have been miserable and losers at the same time!
Then I ask myself: is it worth it? Living your entire life away from your parents and family and friends, is it worth it? Especially if you will only return to bury your parents / partner or your siblings!
I ask this question and then I observe the situation in our country! Worst passport ever, critical economy crisis, nothing is really improving!
When we mention the name “Lebanese”, many people look down on us! Belittle us! We’re the third world! We’re terrorists, we’re retarded!
I wrote about my country 2 posts and one post was just beautiful pictures:
I remember when we traveled to Mexico to attend my brother’s wedding, there were multi police dogs waiting for us and they treated us in a rude way in Frankfort airport! Because we’re coming from Lebanon! Oh wow!
I was pissed because I was with my parents and the dog was sniffing my mother bag because she has some sandwich or chocolate and they thought she’s a drug dealer probably!
In Mexico, we stayed for some time in the police department as well…It was entertaining.
My 2 brothers left to Mexico nearly 18 years ago and my third brother is dreaming to leave since he was probably 2 years old, I think his first word was USA not mom or dad!
How can you blame them when we struggle to have a visa to any respectful country, when they burn our opportunity the moment we are born here, when our dreams are suffocated before they see the light!
It feels like you’re an orphan or like you have a drunken father and a whore mother (not judging but not the perfect life for a child) so you are the decent child that craves a better life and it’s rarely that you can succeed!
This is how it feels when your country rulers are thieves and puppets; you are always this lonely child that nobody respects, because they think you’ll just be like your parents!
So can I blame them for leaving? For having a decent life, a decent passport
No I certainly don’t, but I just wish there was another way!
I look at my aging parents and I wonder if they’ll ever have some time with their granddaughter, grandchildren when there are more or even their own children!
I feel tears in my eyes so I restrain and block all these feelings, suppression is better, we’re used! Otherwise you just die from emotions and pain!
Even the few visits we had, we were all making lot of efforts, we’re from different worlds now, everybody is making an effort, it’s like people are meant to leave for good, are meant to stay away even if it’s painful for their loved ones, but eventually it’s meant to be!
I have a niece, the only nibling in our family, yesterday was her 7th birthday, she just knows my name and she probably thinks I don’t even care about her, I hardly can say “How are you” in Spanish and she doesn’t speak Arabic or English, she’s growing up and I saw her one time when she was few months old, during her baptism, they visited for this ceremony, they spent few days and that’s it.
How I felt yesterday is what triggered this post.
I’m not good friends with her mother, I don’t even remember why! I always had a problem with women’s drama and mood swing and I always feel bad when I have to stay away from men I love in my life because of their women! My uncle died and I couldn’t even see him for the last time, I saw him dead. I stopped visiting because of the women hypocrisy and stupid gossip.
I hardly visit my grandparents for the same reason and they are becoming older and older!
Okay no offense dear women, I don’t get along with hypocrisy and bullshit!
Happy birthday dear Micha! I’m not allowed to share your pictures since your parents won’t be happy! So I will share one that hardly shows your face from the last time I saw you.
They say you’re like me in many things and aspects but I hope I will be able to see that! Hope you’ll know that I’m not as cold as you think for not calling and asking the entire time, but I wish you a great life, better than the one I had, maybe if you were born here, you would have been close to us but probably miserable so it’s meant to be I guess! I hope you’ll always be your father’s princess; you are definitely his entire life.
Thank you for reading and your thoughts are always welcome.
Huguette Antoun – April 25th 2019