Expatriation – The Inconsolable Reality

When your loved ones leave for good for the very first time in your life, you don’t know what to feel or what to do! You feel helpless, weak, vulnerable…

First you cry and sob, you miss them and you feel emptiness then you’re in denial, oh they will come back, they didn’t leave… Then you start to convince yourself that they are our only chance! Of course the time when you were still waiting for someone to save you and so…They’re away and they have good work so we’ll become rich hahah it’s a joke don’t believe this shit ever! But we all have it at some time.

After a while, after you’re tried from the distance, the emptiness, the void, you just become rigid and you suppress everything inside and you pretend that it’s normal, you even forget how it feels to miss someone…how it feels to meet someone after a very long time. You numb yourself and you even hate these people who are emotional and show their feelings of love and missing.

I was in Turkey in Taksim street and I visited some church in the middle of the street and I found a writing about Expatriation that took my attention, it was written in 3 languages: Arabic, English and Turkish.
Of course it was something religious but still it was amazingly expressed so I’ll write a part of it: (full text in the image below)

“Expatriation is a word known only to those who have been scorched by its flames. Expatriation is the death of desire for anything in life, even laughter in our hearts in our homes we’ve lost and it has become false laughter. Nothing but signs show on our faces. Our Expatriation is not only leaving our homelands but it’s being expatriates from our friends and from our simplest dreams that we raised inside ourselves since childhood.
Expatriation is like a cage, and we are the birds inside, no matter how beautiful the cage is, we still feel loneliness and loss and we continue to have nostalgia for all we’ve lost.”
Rahma Anees

When you’re born in a small country, in the time of wars and conflicts that never ended actually, the time where everybody has a seat on our table and everybody has a word in our house! The economic situation is in consistent agony, never-ending deterioration, the people emigrate, they run for their lives, they run to have a life, and they leave behind family and friends crying silently for the forced separation, living in hope of seeing them again while they’re still breathing!

They leave for a better life, but we don’t know if they’re happy, they’re struggling to live probably the same way we’re living, they are unhappy, feeling lonely? Feeling they’re in some cage? They certainly do!

But if they stayed probably they would have been miserable and losers at the same time!

Then I ask myself: is it worth it? Living your entire life away from your parents and family and friends, is it worth it? Especially if you will only return to bury your parents / partner or your siblings!

I ask this question and then I observe the situation in our country! Worst passport ever, critical economy crisis, nothing is really improving!

When we mention the name “Lebanese”, many people look down on us! Belittle us! We’re the third world! We’re terrorists, we’re retarded!
I wrote about my country 2 posts and one post was just beautiful pictures:

I remember when we traveled to Mexico to attend my brother’s wedding, there were multi police dogs waiting for us and they treated us in a rude way in Frankfort airport! Because we’re coming from Lebanon! Oh wow!
I was pissed because I was with my parents and the dog was sniffing my mother bag because she has some sandwich or chocolate and they thought she’s a drug dealer probably!  

In Mexico, we stayed for some time in the police department as well…It was entertaining.
My 2 brothers left to Mexico nearly 18 years ago and my third brother is dreaming to leave since he was probably 2 years old, I think his first word was USA not mom or dad!

How can you blame them when we struggle to have a visa to any respectful country, when they burn our opportunity the moment we are born here, when our dreams are suffocated before they see the light!

It feels like you’re an orphan or like you have a drunken father and a whore mother (not judging but not the perfect life for a child) so you are the decent child that craves a better life and it’s rarely that you can succeed!
This is how it feels when your country rulers are thieves and puppets; you are always this lonely child that nobody respects, because they think you’ll just be like your parents!

So can I blame them for leaving? For having a decent life, a decent passport
No I certainly don’t, but I just wish there was another way!

I look at my aging parents and I wonder if they’ll ever have some time with their granddaughter, grandchildren when there are more or even their own children!

I feel tears in my eyes so I restrain and block all these feelings, suppression is better, we’re used! Otherwise you just die from emotions and pain!

Even the few visits we had, we were all making lot of efforts, we’re from different worlds now, everybody is making an effort, it’s like people are meant to leave for good, are meant to stay away even if it’s painful for their loved ones, but eventually it’s meant to be!

I have a niece, the only nibling in our family, yesterday was her 7th birthday, she just knows my name and she probably thinks I don’t even care about her, I hardly can say “How are you” in Spanish and she doesn’t speak Arabic or English, she’s growing up and I saw her one time when she was few months old, during her baptism, they visited for this ceremony, they spent few days and that’s it.
How I felt yesterday is what triggered this post.

I’m not good friends with her mother, I don’t even remember why! I always had a problem with women’s drama and mood swing and I always feel bad when I have to stay away from men I love in my life because of their women! My uncle died and I couldn’t even see him for the last time, I saw him dead. I stopped visiting because of the women hypocrisy and stupid gossip.
I hardly visit my grandparents for the same reason and they are becoming older and older!
Okay no offense dear women, I don’t get along with hypocrisy and bullshit!

Happy birthday dear Micha! I’m not allowed to share your pictures since your parents won’t be happy! So I will share one that hardly shows your face from the last time I saw you.
They say you’re like me in many things and aspects but I hope I will be able to see that! Hope you’ll know that I’m not as cold as you think for not calling and asking the entire time, but I wish you a great life, better than the one I had, maybe if you were born here, you would have been close to us but probably miserable so it’s meant to be I guess! I hope you’ll always be your father’s princess; you are definitely his entire life.

Thank you for reading and your thoughts are always welcome.

Huguette Antoun – April 25th 2019


  1. I have no words Hug to express how much i am moved to read this post! For me, its all new learning.
    May God give you all the happiness where ever you are and where ever you would be..You now deserve it!

  2. I remember the first time my sister moved to college and hostel life, thousands of miles away from our house. Trust me, I was happiest person on this planet! 😂
    Happiest belated birthday to your niece Micha! ❤😊

  3. very touching experiences… this post makes me see your life from afar in a different light from the little I’ve read from your posts, probably because of this post’s descriptions of the conditions of your country, and events in the lives of your brothers, even the youngest one… it’s all like a real life movie…

    well, everyone really has their own story which other people can assimilate and use to see life in different ways.

    putting myself and family in your shoes, I imagine the emotions that could be stirred up, and either make life challenging, or easier if oe has the ability to summon courage and motivation. at the bottom of it all, especially after the passage of time, one will look back at the past with a reflection like if no issue or event really made us as emotional as it did when it first happened in the past.

    Thanks for sharing. I hope this comment won’t appear as spam like the last one I made on one of your posts. I don’t know where the problem came from.

    In fact I noticed recently that my comments on some other bloggers posts have not been appearing. I don’t know the actual problem.

    • No didn’t go to Spam gladly and I don’t know why they suddenly do!
      Appreciate your proper reading and the valuable interaction as always 🙂 Well it’s certainly like a movie, in fact movies are made from real life stories! With time we become less emotional and we cope but still sometimes we can’t help it
      Thank you again and have a great day!

  4. Huguette, I can’t tell you how much your posts about your life mean to me…but they do. I need to hear how other people in the world live and how differently they grew up. Life is so many different things to so many people. Your experience is so unique and powerful. I’m thankful you share it with us. (I’m sorry you don’t get to be an Aunt to your niece like you would hope to be. I was an Auntie before I had children and they gave–still give–me so much joy even though I am not as close to their mother, my sister, as I’d like to be….sometimes I just take what I can get and try to be thankful for it.) Keep writing! 🙂 I’m on my computer so I can’t do the emoji’s on here. But this is the one that I do for my friend Matthew at the end of our messages: &&. It is like two Buddha’s hugging. So && to you!

    • Well I can’t tell you how much I’m really touched by your interaction… glad to know that you crave other stories and experiences and I’m really humbled that you consider mine unique and powerful! Thank you for your kindness and hope I will be able to be an aunt 😊 I’m sure it brings joy! Yes relationships these days, we all have this curse of not being close to our family!
      I really loved this Buddha hugging thing and it’s well received and so much appreciated 😊❤️❤️ 🤗 🤗
      Thank you for your time and valuable interaction 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

  5. Your post made me think. These thoughts come to all of us at one time or other, and we feel that emptiness and can’t explain it to anybody.😑
    I wish you get all the happiness you want and which you are worthy of😊😁

  6. Hi Huguette, it’s amazing to think of things like this, over here we really don’t understand the situation in other places and what people go through day by day. This was truly touching, I’m so glad you shared it though I imagine it wasn’t so easy. It is good to know what things are like sometimes, certainly makes my problems seem rather small. I hope you have a wonderful day Huguette!🙂🌞😺

  7. I too wish there was another way. One that didn’t involve hate…and yet here we are. You in your war torn country-me in mine. Loved ones dead, gone or just simply absent. And here we are, still trying for a better reality, still smiling-hoping…

    I’m glad you share these painful posts. They are real-they make us think. More than just ‘be positive and everything will come your way…’
    I’m sitting outside in the sun-in a little corner of the world, doing the best I know how-sending you and your loved ones hope. It’s all I’ve got left. 🙏🏻

    • Thank you dear for reading and for the lovely interaction! Yes indeed, we’re still trying but some things have to be mentioned as is! you’re right 🙂 Thank you for the lovely wishes and I wish you the same and much more ❤

  8. Très bien écrit, vous savez! J’ai toujours chercher une explication à mon état je voulais savoir comment la définir et ben sachet que vous l’avez fait vous venez d’expliquer mon état expatriation et au passage un joyeux anniversaire à Micha🎈🎉🎂 merci pour cet article qui m’a beaucoup aidée à connaître plus profondément mon état🙏

  9. I even cannot express my emotions dear Huguette! 💕 Firstly because my English vocabulary is very poor and second because I can only imagine everything that you and your family went through. And I’m coming back to all the hate and war in this world! I’m so sorry and so helpless! I just hope that one day people will realize all this mess and stop it!
    From when I was a little girl, my dad used to say to me that if I will ever have the possibility to leave the country, to not think twice, just do it! This possibility came and I did it even if was not in a very good moment of our lives as my mom has passed away. My sister lives in Germany, I’m in Singapore and my dad is in Romania. But even now he is happy for us. Parents I think have that extra power and even if they’re sad because we’re not nearby, they are still happy for their children. Of course is not easy for all sides but coming back to my selfish attitude, I think everyone has its journey in this world and sometimes this journey will take us far away from our loved ones.
    I would love to have all my family nearby…maybe not in the same city but at least at 1 hour car drive 😊
    Happy birthday to your beautiful niece and I hope one day you’ll be reunited 💕🌷

    • Thank you dear Ribana for such wonderful interaction and the empathy words! I truly appreciate each word ❤
      I understand your father very well and sorry for your mother loss…
      I hope someday you will be at least 1 hour drive from all your beloved ones as I wish as well
      Thank you for the lovely wishes ❤❤😊

  10. Every word you said has been a truth. It’s not only for Lebanon, but also for Jordan, Syria and generally the Middle East. One is assumed to be a criminal just because of their nationality. One is accused of being worthless just because of their parent’s reputation. I do not blame those who have preferred imigration over their situation, for sometimes, you can’t keep on fighting.

    • Thank you for reading and for sharing your thoughts 🙂 you’re completely right the entire area indeed, it’s really a pity how they classify people and judge them when they are the reason for most of these wars
      Yes who can blame them! You fight wars you will never win, useless indeed
      Appreciate your interaction 😊

  11. My God Huguette. I wasn’t expecting the ending to this. Really heartbraking. And if your niece is as like to you as she appears to be she will grow up to understand. I do wish you’ll get to see her sometime.
    Now I can understand about your feelings towards some women and their hypocrisy and bitchiness. At the same time maybe they need someone to tell them how bad they are being.
    It’s not fair you should have to suffer because of that.
    In regards to family leaving in the hope of a better life. There’s a history of that here. Not as much now but in my parents generation and before. Obviously the conditions are nowhere near as bad as the ones you have to endure. But the effect is the same. Family’s split apart. It’s hard to know what’s best in that situation. Yes, family should really stick together but if the quality of life is going to be poor because of that. It’s a very tough choice. There’s no good answer.
    We have a lot of immigrants here. I have friends of different nationalities because I understand how hard it must be for them to live apart from their families. Be in a strange country where not everyone is welcome. It’s not an easy life.
    In regards to the police. I think they are the same everywhere. My mother who’s nearly 70 went to visit her brother in England a while back. At the airport they took her into a room and searched her. Like she could be a criminal and her the sweetest most caring person ever.
    The middle east is not represented well in the Western Media. At least you are shining a little light in that regard.
    This was a tough read. Especially as it’s your life. I do wish you lots of love and happiness 😊❤

    • Well unpredictable post haha
      Thank you for this insightful comment and the heartwarming wishes dear Chris 😊 I hope so with you
      Too bad I have to attack women while I spent half of my life defending their rights! Long subject anyway
      I guess this feeling of being away from family is worldwide and it’s the same pain and suffering so as you said it’s not easy at all
      Regarding the police probably I took it too personal because my parents were involved but I understand it’s worldwide but still as you said the middle east and not well represented in Europe and other countries that were the reason to fuck it up from the first place!
      Thank you again for reading and for the empathy and love 😊❤️ wish you the same and lot of love 😊

      • You’re right it was. The final part was like the twist of a knife. It saddens me knowing what you have to deal with such things.
        I’d believe that’s a long subject. And a frustrating one given that you’re defending with one hand and fighting off with the other! Very complex to say the least.
        Amen to that sister. I remember one time seeing before and after photos of the middle east. It was really shocking. The average person wouldn’t have seen how beautiful the cities were before the Western countries started to ‘help’. Never been a fan of armies being where they shouldn’t be anyway.
        I was expecting this post to be powerful. You succeeded those expectations.
        I can’t say it was a pleasure to read. There is no pleasure in such things. It was very moving and heartfelt though.
        You’ll always have my empathy and love Huguette 😊❤ Thanks for the same.
        Hope you’ve been having a good day. Much love to you 😊❤

      • Thank you Chris! Glad my post succeeded the expectations and we cope with those circumstances and we just live I guess…
        These wars are useless and all these armies are doing nothing but destroying nations, also a very long subject
        Hope you had a great day and much love to you 😊❤

      • Yes, but it doesn’t seem to be easy living. I suppose nothing is never easy but some circumstances are tougher than others.
        The only people wars are useful for are the people that make money from them. As you say long subject. Seems to be the day for them.
        Had a great day. Lots of blogging related stuff and Chill with A. Couldn’t ask for much more.
        Hope your day was great too.
        Much love 😊❤

      • Yes you numb yourself and days pass…
        Glad your day was good in many aspects 👍😊 no blogging for me during holidays I guess but the day was great thank you
        Have a good night and much love ❤️😊

      • Not the best way of living 😕 But you have to do what’s necessary.
        No blogging?! How will you cope haha
        Least you were very productive yesterday. Actually that just reminds me I’ve another post of yours to read. Got distracted by the impact of this one.
        Happy you had a great day 😊
        Hope you have a good night too. Much love Huguette 😊❤

      • Exactly 👍
        Well I can blog easily if I want to post any shit, I can post several times per day 🙄🙄
        Let’s hope I’ll have some time for a decent post
        Don’t worry about the reading schedule, it’s when you have time 👍😊
        Good night and much love and support 😊❤️

      • Haha that’s true. It’s good to have personal standards though. Quality over quantity for me any day.
        Well I hope you do. They’re always a good read 😊
        Ok. No doubt there will be a wee comment when I do.
        Thanks for that 😊 That love and support is here too if you need it.
        Much love Huguette ❤

  12. …Modern capitalism, or better say modern slavery destroys the bricks of this world, destroying countries and people, forcing them to run from their homelands, to live and work in foreign lands, in the lands of the Big Brother as slaves. I know it. I am one of their victims. First they (USA, Germany, United Kingdom, NATO, UN, World Bank; you name it) destroyed my old country of Yugoslavia, then they sent their wolves to destroy what has left, and then forced people to leave their countries to work as slaves in their own countries. I wrote a fictional story of the real world in https://libertasnova.wordpress.com/2018/02/24/the-game-of-life/

    • Thank you Ianus for this powerful interaction! You’re right and it’s really sad how they’re destroying everything that is not them!
      Sorry about your country, I read about it, guess it’s now several countries
      Thank you for sharing your story , will check it

  13. Unfairness is everywhere. Yes, we from the third world is looked down upon (often disguised as “pity” who are they fooling? They think I can’t feel it?) because of you know we are uneducated and not civilized.
    I can totally understand your brother for having the USA as his first word 😂 but assured that all the babies I know (my son included) did not have “mom” “mama” as their first word.
    Sorry about your mom. Maybe she should feed one of the sandwiches to the dog and tell the police not to make them hungry! 😠
    Oh and to be honest I was way more stable before I gave birth. I hate drama but for almost two years after giving birth my hormones were all over the place. I hated and loved my husband. Small things are very annoying. Maybe your in-law felt the same. Maybe the next time you meet she’s better.

    • Thank you dear Jess for the lovely interaction 😊 first just know that I do understand people problems and that they are not always good the entire time, I have many people in my life and so many different characters but I don’t tolerate hurting others, cutting people off, hypocrisy and separate dear people even if they didn’t mean it directly…We all have shitty mood most of times but I make sure to not throw that on anyone or take decisions I will regret later on…
      Well despite they ruined our country, we are civilized and well educated way more than many! Bring me some American citizen or any citizen from a civilized country that speak 3 languages or 4 languages, with law or other university degree and can still enjoy their life if 2% from what happened to us, has happened to them (not speaking only about me, most Lebanese have university degrees, speak at least 3 and more languages…We are very elegant people and we know how to enjoy life)
      Yes she should have fed them I guess 🙄
      Thank you again and hope you’ll find a solution for your phone 🙏🏻

      • My phone issues will solve itself in time. I’m sure that there will be time in the future that I’ll scream “shit the note I want is among them” but a writer can improvise. Haha 😀
        Well one thing I learn in my life is that, there’s nothing more effective to fix a relationship and make it stronger than a sincere apology for my mistakes.
        As for the rest, about the hardship and education 👍… and you’re doing a good job showing Lebanese’s elegance 😊

      • Thank you Jess 😊 yes sincere apology requires a strength not for cowards certainly
        So glad I’m showing a bright picture it’s relieving to know that, probably I’m less elegant than 99% of women that’s for sure
        Have a great day 😊

  14. Hi I’m your new follower, but trust me I’m a reader. 🙂 When I’m off I love reading blog posts while sitting in front of my my fish tanks at the same time my husband is on the other side of the wall playing his video games or watching Crime Investigations series or “The Office”. 🙂 I am a Filipino, born and raised in the Philippines a third world country. I know how it feels to have that look from them, because our passport is not black or navy blue. 🙂 I admire the way you write, it is giving me an impression that you are a strong and a very smart woman. But the situation in your country with regards to Expatriation, breaks my hurt. I am a softy, I am not a tough girl, I don’t think I can handle situations like these.

    • Hello 😊 glad you decided to speak to me which is the way I prefer it! Do you have a name? I like to address people with their names
      Nice to know you and thank you for reading and the nice interaction 🙏🏻😊
      Philippine is a great country and some great fellow bloggers here are from there
      Glad you’re a reader! It’s a relief so I hope you will enjoy 😊 yes I’m as you suspected and I’m very honest which is something not all people love
      Maybe you think you’re softy but when you need to be strong, you will certainly be
      Have a great day and welcome to my blog 😊

      • Hi you can call me WifeBlah 🙂 My real name is hard to remember. I did enjoy reading your post. I will read more of of them on my next off, I can only blog and read during my day off. 🙂 Thank you so much for being honest, we need more of you in this world.

      • Well with all respect, you must let me decide if it’s hard to remember 🙂 but don’t worry whatever suits you 🙂
        Don’t worry at all and appreciate the effort you are making to blog 👍 good job!
        Appreciate your kind words, I will always be a work in progress project
        Have a great time 😊

      • With all honesty, you’re personality and blog are badass. 🙂 🙂 Talk to you soon. Need to hit the bed cause Im working again tonight for the next 12 hours. 🙂

  15. Huguetta your words are painfully Beautiful. I can’t help but feel your heartache and at the same time your understanding. You have such an honest heart and I feel your emotions through your writing. I’m always so intrigued to hear about others lives in other parts of the world.Thank you for sharing.♥️

    • Hello Stephanie, hope you’re good!
      Thank you for reading and for the beautiful words 💕 glad you can feel the honesty, these words are coming from the heart
      Appreciate your kind interaction as always ❤️🙏🏻

  16. Unfortunately, it is the ordinary people who suffer the consequences of the war that politicians and rulers of countries get themselves into to cook their beans! The lives lost, the number of broken families (also because of expatriation) is not something they would worry about as long as their own families are safe and provided for many decades to come.
    Life as we know it has set up standards for us to live by categorizing somethings as good and bad (example, as you say good and bad passport, hence good and bad country to live in) and we aim to better ourselves by wanting all good. In one way it is to escape the harsh reality of the ‘bad’ existence and at the same time it is sad because families never remain same.
    I guess it’s the choices that people make which sometimes are consequences of other things. I’m not sure if we can judge if they did the right or wrong thing.

    • Thank you dear Mabel for reading and for this valuable interaction! You said it all! Innocent people always pay while rulers and their families are safe…
      This world is categorized and only few educated people are refusing such categories, yes I said that I can’t blame them at all but I wish there was another way! Right and wrong is very relative
      Thank you for the exchange 😊

  17. Thank you for sharing this, Huguette. You should be very strong to write these. It was interesting to know that expatriation could actually also mean a cage and not the meaning, we have come to know. I am sorry to hear everything you have to face and I wish the situation changes for the Better. Your country is so beautiful and I would visit it for sure, when I can. Love to you 💕

    • Thank you Ramyani for all the time taken to read my posts and interact in such lovely way😊
      the meaning of Expatriation in Arabic is different for us, it’s a sad word…means away from home (kind of)
      I write just the way I feel and I’m not afraid to state my mind, glad you love my style and appreciate your empathy words, kindness and love 💕 😊 hope you will visit it very soon 🙏🏻

  18. C’est un sujet qui est vraiment délicat , c’est vraiment dur de vivre loin des personnes qu’on aime , on se retrouve obligé de choisir entre vivre avec sa famille , ou partir réaliser ses rêves ailleurs , et je suis vraiment désolée pour la façon dont votre famille a été traitée dans l’aéroport , comme quoion doit toujours payer les erreurs des autres , c’est une triste réalité 😪 , bonne soirée adorable Huguette 😘

  19. Oh god! This post is so meaningful! Thanks for giving voice to those feelings which might have been closeted for the sake of sounding happy! I could feel the pain in every single world. It’s terrible how families get seperated, but no one can be blamed to strive for a decent life.
    More power to you and your family!🙂🙂

    • Appreciate your interaction and kind words! Glad you loved the post and you could relate and feel such emotions!
      Thank you for your lovely wishes as well 😊 best of luck in your journey!

      • The pleasure is all mine! It feels so nice to come across someone who doesn’t shy away from honest opinions! 🙂
        I could relate and feel every single emotion behind the words! You have a great writing style.
        Thank you so much for the sweet wishes! 🙂

      • Oh no, here honesty is always welcome and it will be great if it will be all the way! Not like those who pretend to be honest and then they change their mind when they are involved
        Looking forward to reading your posts and hope will see you here more often 😊 I don’t care about followers, just genuine and honest readers 👍😊

      • So true! Honesty should not be a one time gesture just to leave an impression, it is a lifestyle and rather the best possible way to live! I am so glad that I found your blog!
        I hope that my posts meet your expectations in the future! I am looking forward to reading more from you! 🙂 🙂

      • Amen to that!
        Honesty always meet my expectations 😊
        Thank you! Whenever you have time, you can check some of the old posts and of course many are yet to come 😊
        Have a great time

  20. Look down? Seriously? I love your food!!!❤️I think, that there are no good or bad country or good or bad nation, there is people in this world they are good and bad and they are everywhere🤔

    • Well tell this to Trump haha

      Thank you for reading and for the nice interaction 😊 we have great food indeed and lot of other things, hope you’ll be able to enjoy them one day❤️
      Anyway, there’s a reason I wrote this post and hope things will always get better

  21. Hi Huguette, missing your posts so I am trying to keep in touch with you!🌸 Nothing to say more about this article but heartbreaking! We will wait for the good fortune and well being of Lebanon! 😊
    Have a great week my dear friend! 💙

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