Searching For A Homeland

This is a political article I wrote in 2012, it was published twice in one of the most important newspapers in Lebanon “Annahar Newspaper”.
I wrote it after series of assassinations and conflicts that didn’t stop since PM Rafic Al Hariri’s assassination on February 14th 2005.

I decided to publish it today because yesterday I received the best review and praise from one fellow blogger, he doesn’t understand Arabic but he used the online translation medium to read and his words were overwhelming, even my friends and family didn’t give me such appreciation! Thank you Ronnie http://ronnie-s.com/
Therefore, I decided to translate the article to provide him a better version of the online translator’s version and then publish it here with English translation. I hope you will like it.

أبحث عن وطن

منذ ولدت وقبل أن أدرك أينَ أنا، وجدتُ نفسي أختبأ من القذائف وشظاياها، أرتجف رعباً من أصوات الطائرات والمدافع
أترك منزلي، ألعابي، إلى مكان ليس لي
وأنا أكبر، قيل لي أن هذا هو وطني، بلدي ومنزلي حيث أنتمي…وأن هذه الحروب تمرّ على كل الناس والأوطان فيجب أن أستمر بالكفاح ويجب أن أحبه وأعشقه وأموت من أجله وأن السلام سيحلّ يوماً
كبرتُ قليلاً فإذا بالإخوة يتقاتلون، الأب قتل ابنه تشردت العائلات وها أنا أترك مدرستي ومنزلي وأهرب مجدداً إلى مكان “آمن” وقيل لي مجدداً أن الحروب تحصل
كبرتُ أكثر فإذا بدولةٍ “شقيقة” تحكم بلدي، مخابراتها ترهب أبنائه، تتجسس على شبابه، تخطفهم تقمعهم تعذبهم جسدياً ونفسياً، تقتلهم! تسيطر على مؤسساته وخيراته بالإتفاق والتراضي مع الحكام والمسؤولين فيه…..وقد قالوا لي “هيك أحسن تا ما نقَتّل بعضنا
“ أمن وأمان…لكن لا حرية بل قمع وخبث واحتكار “واشكروا ربكن

فجأة تغيرت المعادلات والحلفاء قُتل الحريري! فجرّوا بيروت فجّروا الوطن…وقتلوا من قتلوا ويتّموا من يتّموا…وبدأنا مرحلة جديدة ظننتُ لفترةٍ أنها مخاض ما قبل الولادة ولكن لم يطول الأمر قبل أن يخيب ظني
تريدون الحرية؟ إذاً لا أمن ولا امان! ها نحن من جديد نستفيق على عبوة وننام على انفجار…ننام وقد لا نستفيق إن صودف الإنفجار في مبنانا أو حيّنا…نخرج من منزلنا وقد لا نعود إليه
ناس مع سوريا وناس ضد وكل ما يتواجهوا على البلد السلام
إغتيالات، موت سواد ودمار، أيتام  وبكاء على الأحبة، حداد
ولكني ظننتُ أن هذا الكابوس انتهى! ظننتُ أن الدول تعاني حروباً تعيش ثورات ثم تستقل وتعيش بسلام
ظننتُ وكنتُ مخطئة
أقنعوني بأن هذا وطني ولكن هذا ليس بوطن
هذه مجموعات  يتبعُ كل منها جهة خارجية  أو عقيدة أو طائفة حتى الموت
هذه زمرٌ وجدت في بقعة أرضٍ تجهل تماماً ما معنى أن يكون الإنسان مواطناً قبل أي شيء آخر يعيش تحت جناح بلدٍ واحد ونظام واحد
هذه طوائف، أحزاب، عقائد….تتجوّل تحت سقف واحد وتنتظر إشارة من أسيادها كي تهجم وتنهش لحم بعضها البعض
هذه عصابات عصبت أعينها عن “الوطن” و”المواطنية” وفتحتها فقط على انتماءاتها الطائفية ثم العقائدية ثم الحزبية ثم العشائرية…وإن بقي شيء نقدمه للوطن
القادة ليسوا بحكام، بل دمى تحركها جهات خارجية كل على هواه وحسب مصالحه
حين تصل الأوامر، يتأجج الوضع مهما كان هادئاً أو يهدأ مهما كان متأججاً
فجأة وكلّما جرحت مشاعر أحد أو قُتل أحد أو تعثر أحد أو “راحت الكهرباء” أو “ارتفعت الأسعار”…..نجد مسلحين وملثمين…رصاص وقناصين، حرق دواليب، قطع طرقات، إعتداءات على الناس والممتلكات
وكل كم سنة في حدا بيقوى وبفكّر حالو هتلر وبيصير بدّو البلد
أين “الوطن” في كل هذا؟
لقد انقضى نصف عمري وانا لا زلتُ أهرب من القصف والقنص وقطع الطرقات والإشتباكات….لا زلتُ أخشى على أحبائي وأصدقائي “منطقة آمنة ومنطقة ولعانة حسب شو طايفتَك” ولكنني ظننت أن هذا البلد كله بلدي ومواطنيه هم إخواني وأصدقائي…وأن الدين هو لله بينما الوطن للجميع
لقد ظننتُ
ظننتُ ولكني حتى الآن لا زلت أبحث عن وطنٍ قرأت عنه ودرست عنه…وطن يعيش فيه مواطنيه بأمان تحت ظل دولة واحدة والكل متساوين في الحقوق والواجبات، القوانين تطبّق والجميع تحت سقف القانون، وحدود حرية الفرد هي حرية الآخرين
أين هو هذا الوطن؟
هل هو الملثمين؟ أم الغاضبين؟ أم القناصين والمسلحين؟
هل هو استمرار موت الأطفال والنساء في منازلهم وعلى الطرقات؟
هل هو استمرار هدم وتكسير وتفجير الممتلكات وحرق الدواليب وقطع الطرقات؟
هل هو استمرار السلاح العشوائي؟
هل هو استمرار الإغتيالات والتصفيات؟
هل هو تفشي الحقد الأعمى ومرض الطائفية العضال؟
هل هو استمرار قتل الناس لبعضهم البعض بإسم الدين والإختلاف السياسي؟
هل هذا الوطن الذي أخبرتموني أنه وطني؟
ما نسيتم أن تخبروني به وأنا طفلة، هو أنني ولدت في المكان الخطأ
ولدت في بلدٍ جُمعت أجزاؤه بطريقة مبعثرة وخاطئة
استعملت في بنائه دعائم ضعيفة وأساسات خاطئة هندسياً فكرياً وإنسانياً
كيف تُصلحوا ما بني على أساس خاطئ؟ أي ترميمٍ أو دهان أو ديكور أو أثاث أو لوحات سوف تفي بالغرض؟
لقد نسيتم أن تخبروني بذلك وتركتموني أظن أن هذا “وطناً”…. تركتموني أظن أن هذا “وطني”
هذه قنبلة موقوتة لا نعرف متى تنفجر
هذا أمان زائف مدجج بالحقد والسلاح، بالطائفية والتبعية
هذا دمار وقتل بإسم الله والأحزاب
هذا تشويه وجهل وقرف وتعصب أعمى
هذا كابوس لن ينتهي
هذه حلقة مفرغة يدور فيها الجميع ولا تتغير فيها سوى الوجوه والأسماء
الآن أنا أعرف كل هذا
الآن أنا أعرف الحقيقة
وها أنا أبحث عن وطن

Searching For A Homeland

Since I was born and before I knew where I was, I found myself hiding from the shells and its shrapnel, trembling and terrified from the sounds of planes and cannons, leaving my house, my toys to a place that is not mine.

While growing up, I was told that this is my homeland; my country and my home, where I belong! And that most populations and countries face wars like these, I must continue the struggle, I must adore my country, love it and die for it if needed, and peace will certainly come one day.

I grew up a little more, I saw the brothers fight, the father killed his son (literally), and the families were shattered and displaced. And here I am, leaving my school and my home once more and running to a “safe place”. And I’ve been told again that wars happen!

I grew up more, I witnessed a “sister country” controlling my country, its secret intelligence terrorizes its children; it spies on its youth, kidnaps them, oppresses them physically and psychologically, kills them! It controls its institutions and resources with the blessings and agreement of my country’ rulers and officials!
They told me, “This is much better than keep killing each other’s”

Security and safety but no freedom! Just repression, hypocrisy and monopoly and “You should be grateful!”

Suddenly the equations and allies changed, Prime Minister Rafic Al Hariri is assassinated! They blew up Beirut and blew up the homeland … They killed many and orphaned many. We started a new phase, and I thought for a while that it was pre-labour pain, but it did not take long before I was disappointed.

You want freedom? Then neither safety nor security! Here we are again, we wake up on a grenade and sleep on an explosion … We sleep and we may not wake up if the explosion hits our building or neighborhood … We leave our house and we might not return!

People with Syria and people against and each time they fight, Goodbye country!
Assassinations, death, darkness and destruction, orphans and sobbing over loved ones, mourning!!

But I thought this nightmare was over! I thought that countries suffer wars, experience revolutions and then it takes its independence and live in peace!

I thought and I was wrong!

They convinced me that this is my homeland, but this is not a “homeland”!

These are groups, each of them follow a foreign party or a creed or a sect until death…

These are bunch of individuals that were found in a spot of land but they are completely ignorant of what it means to be a citizen before anything else, living under the wing of one country and one system.
These are sects, parties and doctrines, walking under one roof and waiting for a signal from their masters to attack and devour each other’s.
These are gangs that closed their eyes to the “homeland” and “citizenship” and opened them only to the sectarian and then ideological and then political parties and then tribal belongings… And if something remains, we offer it for the homeland.

The leaders are not rulers, but puppets driven by external parties, depending on their own inclination and interests.
Once the orders arrive, the situation explodes no matter how quiet it is, as it calms down no matter how critical it was!

Suddenly, whenever someone’s feelings are hurt, whenever someone is killed or just stumbled, or the “electricity goes out,” or the “prices went up”, armed and masked men appear! Bullets and snipers, burnt tires, roadblocks, people and property ‘assault!

And every few years some party becomes a bit strong, so they have the “Hitler’ delusion” and they claim the country possession!

Where is “homeland” in all this?

Half of my life is spent running away from shelling, sniping, roadblocks and clashes … I still fear for my beloved ones and friends. “One area is safe and the other is exploded, depending on what is your religion”

But I thought that this whole country is my country and its citizens are my brothers and friends! And that religion is for God while homeland is for all!

I thought!

I thought but so far I am still looking for a homeland that I have read about and studied … a homeland in which its citizens live in peace under the shadow of one state where laws are applicable, all are equal in rights and duties under law, and the individual freedom’s limit is the other’s freedom.
Where is this homeland?

Is it the masked men? Or the angry men? Or the snipers and gunmen?

Is it the continuous death of children and women in their homes and on the roads?

Is it the continuous demolition, properties’ break and blow-up, burnt tires and roadblocks?

Is it the continuous random armed militias?

Is it the continuous assassinations and eliminations?

Is it the blind hatred’ spread and religious sectarianism’ incurable decease?

Is it the continuous act of killing each other’s in the name of religion and political difference?

Is this the country you told me it’s my homeland?

What you forgot to tell me as a child is that I was born in the wrong place!
I was born in a country whose parts were collected in a scattered and wrong way!
In its construction, weak and false foundations were used, intellectually and humanly. How do you adjust what is built on a wrong foundation? What renovation, painting, decor, furniture or paintings will work?

You forgot to tell me all this and you made me think that this is a “homeland” you made me think that this “my homeland”

But this is a time bomb; we don’t know when it will explode!

This is a false security full of hatred, weapons, sectarianism and subordination

This is a destruction and killing in the name of God and the political parties!

This is a distortion, ignorance, revulsion and blind fanaticism!

This is a never ending nightmare!

This is a vicious cycle in which everyone is wandering and only faces and names change!

Now I know all this
Now I know the truth
And here I am searching for a homeland!

Huguette Antoun – March 26th 2019

87 Comments »

  1. I can’t believe this can happen. I have heard and read about my own country’s struggles too, but this seems so inhuman. And you write really good, as usual. And I must say, arabic looks really beautiful 💕

    • Hello Ramyani, well we lived this, some days we were only meters away, some days in the middle, and we lived all these conflicts and it was more horrible than described! Reason why I’m fed up and it was my last political article because I gave up on my country regime and rulers…
      Thank you for you kind words 🙂 Well the Arabic version is certainly better, I did my best to not compromise the meaning and glad you find the Arabic beautiful 🙂 hope you’ll be able to learn it one day ❤

    • 7ada 3am ye7ki lebneni 🙂 So glad! since my friends and family mesh lekshinni here haha
      Thank you for stopping by and for the nice words!
      Interesting blog you have, wish you the best of luck 🙂

      • Eh eh sad2i fi hada lebneh hon bi wordpress =) 3enna bi lebnen bi fadlo twitter or facebook (tayetkhana2o bil siyeseh) aw instagram (to show off). Ana metlek aslan ma khabaret 3aylteh 3an wordpress (as if they care lol bfadlo yehdaro moslsalet claudia marshalian than read my posts) w 3addad 2alil min rfe2ati by3aref bi safehti (hata hol aw2at ma ilon jledet safehti). Thank you ❤ Keep on writing good stuff, the WordPress community is so beautiful and inspiring

      • hahah walla you took the words out of my mouth 😀 lah sara7a ana khabbartun w bnazel 3a Facebook blog posts, aw2at 3a instagram baddi el ness te2ra bass eza ma fi suwar ma 7ada bi2areb
        2ouli fi eshya bala ma el 3ayli te2raha hahah
        Te3tir keef sar hal mujtama3, exactly metl ma elti! It’s a pleasure really to meet Lebanese like-minded (so rare)
        It was great interacting with you and will sure check more posts for you to read them carefully, I wish you’l be a great writer as you wish ❤

      • Chi7ar 3enna ma biy2rou unless fi post tamjid la za3im or praise/rant for certain political party aw akhbar ta2 hannak metel chu lawn kalsset Maya Diab or gossips. 7ata bi 3aylteh I’m the only bibliophile 3atol bi2ololeh la shu bet2reh aw haj tesrfeh mseryetek 3al kotob. On Instagram you should interact with writers from other countries la2no yalli 3enna they just post endless selfies or where they party or travel just to show off, ana masalan I just use Instagram to communicate with other bibliophile around the world.
        Eh Sah, fi shaglet ma badi 3aylteh te2raha =) I always have different perspective on life and society than them. Moujtama3na shallow kteer lil asaf, fiki tchoufi hal chi min khilal tarajou3 moustawa art, value, respecting of others, etc sometimes I feel I don’t belong in here and wish I was born in different country.
        Me too pleasure meeting you =) it is really rare to meet kind, intelligent and genuine Lebanese on social media. Keep on writing, I’m really impressed that you can write in both English and Arabic so beautifully.

      • Hahha 100% it’s sad! Ya latif haydi temjid el zou3ama shi bi2aref 3anjad…shu hal sha3b el tebi3 hayda. Ma fi amal! Sara7a ana b7eb e2ra bass ba3mel efforts zyedi akid not a bibliophile which is great, bass ettala3 bshuf ennu kent deyman 7eb e2ra w a3ref bass el zrouf kenit zbeli sorry 3al kelmi, 7arb w tehjir w she7ar bass b aya forsa kent o2ra w 7eb a3ref w shu btefru2 lamma tsiri ta3rfi shu bte7essi 7alik ma bta3rfi 🙂 2ouli 3enna el 3ayli la byer7amu w la bikhallu ra7met allah tenzal, ta ma2oul shi teni haha la badoun yettha2afou w la badun ywa2fu tenzir 3a yeli byefhamou
        Akid it’s better to connect with other bibliophile around the world, bass ana b7eb el ness yeeli bye3nuli ye2ru ana kif bfakker, yshufu my mind, my inside, ana b2ul kel shi b yelli bektbu, so b7eb yelli bye3nuli ye2ru but it’s not happening
        Sad2ini men wa2t ma w3it w ana 7elmi fell w halla2 bendam la2anni rje3t 3an beb el safara el canadiyi for emotional reasons, ma b7ayete 7assayt 7ali bentemi la hal balad, akid I;m loyal bass b kel hal jayyi wel jahel wel fawda, msh 3am tezbat haha
        I’m better in Arabic because I learned English alone sara7a and my second language is French which is ma ela 3azi ella bl salonet wel tejgil 3al ness 😀 so my published political articles akid kella Arabic w I used to hide my personal writing halla2 3am tale3oun shway shway bass fi eshya ktir daprassi bfadel baleha
        Stay in touch and I wish you the best of luck ❤ here’s my email also huguettea@gmail.com

      • Minshan heik b7ayetna ma ra7 nsir balad badna chi nayzak or zelzel y2chna kelna w yerja3o ybalcho min awal w jdid. Oh I can understand the tough siituations =) 2reya kteer helweh w moufideh it give me inspiration and improve my writing skills; sa7 fi kotob ma illa ta3meh and total waste of time. Eh sa7 lil asaf bi moujtama3na el 3arabi, 3ayleh wl moujtama3 bi wadi w nehna bi wadi. Yes when we write we is like you standing in front of others naked as we show them our soul and our deepest emotions. Hon bil wordpress fi kteer nes byektbo raw3a; akid hon ra7 tet3arafi 3a ashkhas bi fakro metlek min kel el belden. Oh lesh 3melteh heik? Ana mahalek kent falayet w ma tala3et warayeh inshallah tijik forsa tanyeh w tfeleh ma fi chi hon byestehal. That’s really impressive, your English is impeccable. B7sdek inek btekbeh bil loughtain ana bas bil English ma ba3ref lesh b7es ino b2der 3aber bil English a7san, eh w ana kamena kent French educated ba3din la t3alamna English bil madrasseh bas ken te3tir I learned more from songs, books, and magazine, hala2 ma ba3ref ektob jemeleh bil francais lol I totally neglected it. Lol haydeh 3e2det el na2es 3end lebneniyeh ka2no mama franca 2eryteon, w habal.Writing is our weapon against this cruel world, always keep on writing. Thank you for your support and trust in me ❤

      • Hello Nadine, kifik lyom, walla el nayzak bya3mel khedmi hahha ana bkun bl car with my friend bettala3 b2ella bsharafik hawdi ma badoun zelzel hahah fi ness ma bte2ta3 2ad ma bala akhal2 w fawda
        Rje3t la2ani habla w ma ba3ref faker b 7ali abl kel shi 🙂 yalla kheir
        Already I met many like-minded people and it’s great, I hardly find time to read all what they write, I want to search for new blogs to follow but really ma 3am la7e2, beshteghil full time w law ma fini efta7 men sheghli, ma kent ba3mel shi
        Kellik zo2 walla 3al teshji3 wel 7aki el 7elou, my English is impeccable is really a great compliment  thank you really and you’ll make a great writer, you express very beautifully
        Ma sheft legha ma ela 3azi metl el French, but msh khsara bass men beb ennu I love to communicate with people and languages are so important, gheyr hayk tedyi3 wa2t
        I loved that writing is our weapon against this cruel world, it is indeed! Have a great day and weekend as well ❤ a7san shi enu ma 7ada byefham hal legha hahah

      • Sorry for the late reply, I’m doing great =) Tab lesh hal nayzak 2atal dinosours w terek hal cha3eb 3eyesh w 3am be2arkel. Nehna cha3eb ma mnentoj 3elbet kabriteh khedina 3a jehel, w fawda w ta2 hanek. Sometimes it’s okay to be selfish and to think about own interests first, inshallah tijiki second opportunity.It’s beautiful community here w fi ktter undiscovered amazing blogs bas metel ma 2alteh it needs time, blogging is not just about posting blogs but also interacting with others (reading and commenting) which is very time consuming, wl hayat kteer daghta wl wa2et byemro2 deghri and to many tasks on hands, 7ata ana ma be2der kon kel youm 3al wordpress. Btestehleh el haki 3an your English, 3endek passion for writing w 7ayda el chi bi kahlikeh a2wa kamena bil lougha aktar w aktar.

      • Walla el dinosaurs bijannenu 7ad el maseter yelli 3enna haha don’t worry at all, we all have a hectic life, (gheyr el 3am bi2arglu leil nhar hahaha) I’m just lucky I can open from work
        Halla2 khallli yon2oti3 el fa7m, bijenn el lebneni bass el balad kella 3a ekhir saret w ma 7ada fer2ani ma3ou! Felej ma t3elej lashu el 7aki 7aram
        Yes I have learned to think about myself more, tanshuf shu ra7 ysir ma3na, bel niheyi fi eshya bet7esiya meant to be, so you can learn or help or whatsoever…
        I wrote an entire post about interacting, ma kent ba3ref el blogging concept bl awal ba3dayn ktashafet ennu kent mfakra el blog jarour b7ot fi ghradi so I changed and started really blogging but as you said it’s really time consuming! Ma 3am nem sayra ta e2ra w red 3al 3alam, bass I can’t preach what I don’t practice so I must make some effort 
        What’s your major and work if I might ask? Ana darast 7ou2ou2 bass ma 3melt stage, shtaghalet fatra human rights w ba3dayn gheyr domaine bel marra post production company, idara w mu7asabi a shwayet production
        I’m a passionate person, it shows in my writings, thank you for the kind and motivating words ❤
        Walla el dinosaurs bijannenu 7ad el maseter yelli 3enna haha don’t worry at all, we all have a hectic life, (gheyr el 3am bi2arglu leil nhar hahaha) I’m just lucky I can open from work
        Halla2 khallli yon2oti3 el fa7m, bijenn el lebneni bass el balad kella 3a ekhir saret w ma 7ada fer2ani ma3ou! Felej ma t3elej lashu el 7aki 7aram
        Yes I have learned to think about myself more, tanshuf shu ra7 ysir ma3na, bel niheyi fi eshya bet7esiya meant to be, so you can learn or help or whatsoever…
        I wrote an entire post about interacting, ma kent ba3ref el blogging concept bl awal ba3dayn ktashafet ennu kent mfakra el blog jarour b7ot fi ghradi so I changed and started really blogging but as you said it’s really time consuming! Ma 3am nem sayra ta e2ra w red 3al 3alam, bass I can’t preach what I don’t practice so I must make some effort 🙂
        What’s your major and work if I might ask? Ana darast 7ou2ou2 bass ma 3melt stage, shtaghalet fatra human rights w ba3dayn gheyr domaine bel marra post production company, idara w mu7asabi a shwayet production
        I’m a passionate person, it shows in my writings, thank you for the kind and motivating words ❤

      • Ma fi hal illa bi nayzak aw tsunami ma3 hal cha3eb 😀 and the world should not even mourn for us we don’t deserve it. 7ayda cha3eb min ma tzawajet emo ma bi2elo bayeh. Ma tzkrini bil argieh 3enna annoying neighbors 3atol arguileh delivery boy bde2 3lena sometimes late hours at night (after midnight).
        But now you’re excellent at blogging! No harm in reading a lot of blogs I bet you enjoy it and it will inspire in so many ways. Ana kent ma ba3ref chi 3an blogging when I joined here (w ba3dni ma kteer waw :D) but joined blogging university (blogging 101 in wordpress) and meet amazing bloggers and humans there. Really h2ou2 that’s tough major fiyo kteer hefez,w lezem wehed y3mol upaid intership for 2-3 years (not fair) fiya kteer competition sa3beh wahed y3mol lahalo esem fi kteer nes metlek darso h2ou2 w byeshteglo chi teneh completely el mohem inti tkouneh mabsouta bi cheglek w y2adroukeh bil cheghel. Oh ana ma3eh master bil management, pretty much useless here my certificate mniha la tmsih izaz aw according to people here “a secretary” =)) Passionate people excel in everything they do =)

      • Nabasht 3al comment toli3 ra7 3al Spam :/ Walla ya Nadine fi ness metlna byestehalou sad2i bass ray7in bel da3s b hal hamrouji el ta2ifiyi wel jahel…eh haydi del delivery lal arghileh kenit na2sa el lebneni hahah
        Sad2ini I jut read some few articles about blogging w ghayr hayk I do it my way, logically speaking, so I’m glad I’m actually doing it! blogging 101? must be some blogging technique, it’s great!
        eh ken 3ndi ability fazi3a 3al 7efz w jebt 3alemet ktir mniha bass kenit zrufna shway so3bi w ana tayaset ma baddi ahli yetdayanu aw shi.,..metl ma elti fi shi 3 snin stage w ta2riban 3a ard el we2i3 5 snin ma bettal3i fiyoun wala lira…anyway el 3elm msh khsara shu ma ken, 7amdellah ahsan mn ghayri bl shegl w fi ktir benefits bl nesbi la hal balad el zbeli so b2it…bfadel sheghl bl Human Rights so tanshuf shu bisir ma3na
        Master in Management is great, ma t2uli shi useless abadan, 2ad ma ykun hal balad zbeli, ellla ma tfidik b shi ma7al, w akid mesh secretary ye3ni! Ma3 enu ana b shehedet el 7ou2ou2 ettarayt eshteghel secretary bass rje3t t2adamt b sheghli, huwi balad mat3oub 3ley bass ne7na badna ndal n2etil 🙂 bi haydi ma3ik 7a2, I’,m passionate and I really excel everything I do, I guess you are too!
        I hope I will be able to accomplish something important before leaving

  2. Good evening, i cant imagine going true all this, you are so strong, must be so difficult for a child to understand whats happening, we have technology, we have nature, we have so many others beautiful things in life, i have never understoog any kind of war, because inocent people gets hurt, i remember terrorist atack in Nice 2017, was horrible, it broke peoples hearts it was huge and horrible, thank you for sharing your real experience, it touched me a lot❤️

    • Thank you Ilona for your kind words and empathy! I truly appreciate it ❤
      Well it’s so hard and I’m describing my feelings in some posts, but yes it was devastating and horrible…I wish you will never have to experience such thing, so I’m glad you didn’t! Terrorism is striking all over the world and hope this will stop, but civil wars and internal conflicts and killing based on religion, oh believe you don’t even want to know 🙂
      Have a good evening and thank you for reading and the lovely interaction ❤

      • Now the situation is good but we’re always afraid of new conflicts or bombs but otherwise we live normally and we’re survivors and we love life so all good 🙂 Thank you again! ❤

  3. Powerful words and insight Huguette.
    In Northern Ireland sectarianism used to be a big thing. We had bombings and assassinations in what was known as the ‘Troubles’. It’s always the innocents that seem to pay the heaviest price.
    It still exists to a certain degree in small areas of the country.
    That said it never seemed as horrific or as extensive as things appeared to be for you. That is an awful thing to live through.
    But I am so glad you did. And that you were able to inform so many of the plight your people endured. And all for what really?
    With people like yourself in the world there is always hope!
    Much love to you and thanks for sharing something so personal and profound.

    • Thank you Chris for taking time to read and the insightful comment! I couldn’t imagine that Ireland faced or facing such events, always thought it’s from the perfect countries out there, thank you for letting me know and hope they are not affecting your daily life or threatening you in anyway
      Well as I mentioned, this is really was hard to make me want to search for a homeland, it was the last political article I wrote, I was so devastated that nothing is changing, after all what we went through, again we must experience fear and such horrible incidents…So this post was the result of my frustration…one of the assassinated journalists was an idol and a great man, I started to write political after he was assassinated…
      Thank you again for your thoughtful interaction, always glad to communicate with you and hope you r evening went well after all 🙂

      • Oh things here are nowhere near as bad as they once were. Nothing to really worry about compared to the way things used to be. Certainly nothing life threatening. It was predominantly a Northern Ireland problem rather than a Republic of Ireland one.
        It’s probably the reason I have no real faith or feelings of nationalism. Considering they are just determined by what piece of land you were born on.
        The problems we had here pale in significance compared to the problems in your country. I can understand how you could get frustrated and angry living with such conditions.
        You would think after people living in the world for so long we would have learned to live and work together for the benefit of all. Not so it seems.
        My evening didn’t go as hoped. Ah well.
        Much love as always Huguette 🙂

      • Good morning Chris, hope you’re having a good start of the day
        Firstly, sorry your evening didn’t go as expected; wish you the best of luck
        I can understand not having the feelings of nationalism and wish the world someday will be as one, as John Lennon dreamed because until now all we have is more wars, conflicts and hate.
        I have the sense of nationalism because I consider my country as my home and despite that my country didn’t give me anything, it’s the only country I have, I don’t mind having the sense of belonging to another country if I ever had the chance but will I? I mean we struggle to have a visa to an European country, they treat us like terrorists sometimes and even the Arab world is divided and they hate each other’s, we also need a Visa to most Arab countries! So do I have another country where I can be free and I can move and live and I feel comfortable, I don’t! But even if I had, I will always stay loyal to my roots and the place I came from…This is how I see it but of course I’m against all the regime and the rulers, so I don’t know what is left from the country
        Sorry for the long interaction and hope you’ll be having a great day! Much love to you as well 🙂

      • Hi Huguette. I appreciate the long interaction 🙂
        I can understand having feelings towards the land you were born in. I do too. I don’t think anyone would feel any different about their homeland no matter what country they live in.
        The problem as I see it is all those self-serving rulers that every country has.
        How you and your people are treated is shocking. The Western Media certainly doesn’t help. I think the ordinary people all pretty much want the same thing. To live in peace. Too bad there is much money to be made from division and war.
        I do wish someday you will experience the freedom you deserve.
        Much love as always Huguette. Hope your day has been good 🙂

      • Good evening Chris, my day was good, thank you 😊 hope yours was good as well
        Self-serving, corruption and much more! Yes of course I’m against all these, and hope one day we’ll experience the real freedom! Thank you for your wishes, I wish you better days especially better future for your son
        Have a good evening 😊

      • Glad you’ve had a good day Huguette 😊
        Don’t know how to describe mine. Peculiar might do. I’m all good
        though 🙂
        I think we all wish for a better future. Here’s to hope anyway 🥂
        Have a good evening yourself. Much love as always

  4. Huguetta, my heart goes out to all of you and the suffering you have endured. My wish is that the whole world can read this and understand the horribleness of wars. So sorry that this way of life was your reality. I taught a little girl a few years back whose father was a business exec in Egypt and brought his family over to the USA to keep them safe. This 5 year old child would want to sit and talk with me at playground time. She talked of the nights where they had flashlights by their bed and could hear the bombing outside. It was mandatory dark time which is why they had flashlights near their beds. No child should ever have to experience the fear that children of war do. Thank you for posting this!

    • Thank you so much for your empathy and thoughtful words! So kind of you! Wars are ugly and devastating, glad we didn’t lose family members, I always try to remain positive despite everything and I agree no child should experience this fear…I still feel them as if they were yesterday
      Thank you for sharing your experience as well, I can relate to this little girl story
      Appreciate your lovely interaction ❤

  5. What an article Huguette
    It’s like reading a newspaper headline

    All I can say that I have all my sympathy and heart to you for such nuisances happening.
    And this is the least I can do for you

    So many Assassinations and disturbing imageries there.
    It boils my blood to the core to see this
    In our last conversation we spoke about Peace and Love
    And now I get to see this which is
    Depressing to the most 😓

    This isn’t our HOMELAND
    This can’t be

    We have much similar ongoing situation here in Kashmir, India .
    But many rascals play a vital role to catastrophe our homeland which includes : Paid Media , Corrupted Politicians and Government, Fake Seculars and Communist parties, Traitors residing in our HOMELAND etc.
    Religious War also are on the go along with terrorism taking rise tremendously.
    And at the end of the day Honest Civilians are one who gets targetted and victimised just for being honest fighting against the Bad cause of our HOMELAND.

    All we can do is Hope for a better situation to occur in our Homeland but unfortunately things are drastically different.
    As far our Government isn’t proactive towards its work with “corruption free”
    state of mind , situation will only grow worse vigorously
    And innocents have to sacrifice their lives unwillingly.

    Massive Thank you for taking out and sharing such incidents Huguette
    It disappoints me to the core but have to face the “Harsh reality” of today’s world 😓

    Also, Lebanese Arabic is ❤👌

    • Hello Abhi, hope you’re having a good day 🙂
      Well yes it’s depressing and glad we can still speak about peace of love despite all what we went through, not easy at all.
      Many countries have similar problems and it’s really sad. I can relate to the situation in India, it’s all familiar to me and it’s really bad that we always hope for the best until nothing is left to hope for! Many people left and started over abroad, they have now a new life, decent life and other nationalities, at some point it’s probably the only solution.
      I wish the best to India and to your future as well in India, hope we’ll have better days and a better world
      I always appreciate your kind and motivating words as well as your knowledge and education
      This is mostly classical Arabic, glad you liked it and some lines are Lebanese, because the writing language is classical Arabic, all newspapers and books and magazines are in classical Arabic
      Always happy to communicate with you 🙂 Have a great day!

      • All I can say is even if we cannot challenge the government and the people who are in Power 😑

        But all we can do is to be a law abiding citizen, follow rules and regulations, spread awareness for a good cause and fight for a bad one, do not violate the laws, work hard honestly with optimism and serve for our nation as much as we could .

        I know many would disagree with me Why to be such a honest and simple being? 😓

        But if the people in power (government) aren’t doing such productive things someone has to do which are none other than people like you and me.

        Hope you’ll agree with me to some extent Huguette 😇
        Have a great day ahead ❤✌

        Also I loved the Arabic and Lebanese writing work, although didn’t understood any single word,
        But it looks as beautiful as you 🙂 ❤

      • Yes I agree to some extent, it serves nothing to disobey the law and confront government alone or in small groups but I’m with a united revolution that takes them all out and bring clean and good leaders and this is a pure fantasy especially nowadays.

        Revolutions are bringing worst people, it’s just a vicious circle so we must do what it takes to survive and be happy.

        It serves nothing to be an outlaw and a loser, you just work to be successful and at your best despite all the difficulties and circumstances, nobody knows how circumstances change, nothing is permanent and being productive and successful will always serve your society and country 👍

        Thank you Abhijeet for the beautiful words and the valuable interaction 😊

      • Pleasure all mine Huguette! 🙂
        Such interactions with you are priceless
        Also wanted to ask ,
        Are you a decent Tax Payer and a Voter ?

        Hope you’re comfortable to answer

      • Good morning Abhijeet, hope you’re having a good day 🙂
        Yes sure why I won’t feel comfortable, all we do is pay taxes 🙂 and we get nothing in return, of course I’m a decent Tax Payer but if I had the choice, with such shitty services, I don’t pay until I get the services I deserve!
        I’m a voter, yes from long time ago! And last parliamentary elections was held on May 2018. I elected the candidates representing the civil society, decent people, but not even one person won, unfortunately

      • Good Noon Huguette!
        I had a good day 🙂 Thank You!
        Hope you’re having too ✌

        You just stole my words
        Was about to speak about it

        Our Tax Deduction is directly processed from our Salary were getting credited (10% approx. )
        But ever since new Budget has been announced now they’ve forgiven Tax just because Elections are approaching within couple of months (Dirty Politics to gain votes) 😤

        Even I’ve been voting since half a decade still no progress and development seen as we’ve expected 😑

        There’s an option to vote for “NOTA”
        Hope you’re aware about it
        In coming elections if we don’t see any productive work from the respective party from constituent assembly

        vil vote for NOTA only ✌

        And that’s a great initiative that you elected candidates . That’s inspiring.
        More power to you ✊

      • Good afternoon to you and my day is good thank you 🙂
        Oh yes salary tax, VAT, Social security tax, taxes on all kind of purchases, on profit…and the list goes on, if you don’t pay there are additional amounts to be paid as a sanction…I can understand your frustration, it’s the same in all countries that have corruption unfortunately
        Never heard of the “NOTA” I just searched for it and we used to have something similar, you vote with a blank paper, as if nobody is worth it…But in the last elections, they didn’t even allow us to! They were specific lists you need to mark names from them!
        Yes sure I had to elect people that are not a part of corruption and sectarianism, at least I expressed my opinion even if they didn’t win
        Hope things will get better in your country and mine as well 🙂 Have a great end of the day

      • Hope you had great day at work 😊
        Mine was hectic and tiring

        Whole world is playing dirty politics every now and then at every part of the corner.
        Now just Politicians but also some rascal citizens too.
        Whom to blame and complain ?
        The Question would remain same eternally 🙌

        Elections are approaching here already .
        Least interested to vote but
        Being a law abiding citizen I cannot step aside fulfilling my right and duty,
        So let’s see.. Looking forward like always for a better Government to get elected.

        Hoping Lebanon may find it’s peace and love too .
        Anyway, in which city do you reside &
        Do you have your family around?

        Also, why don’t you join the elections and take part standing for a self made recognised party 🙌
        Pretty confident and sure I am many of the population especially youth and MALE population would definitely vote for you 😉
        Haha! ✌

        Also, you’d be doing your work for your locality with utmost selflessness.
        I can put my trust on you regarding this 😇

        Do give it a try ✌Consider my advice Think on it Huguette !

      • Hello ABHIJEET, hope you had some rest after the tiring day 🙂 mine was a regular working day
        This game will never end but we keep hoping that new people will come and make some changes that can affect the economy and people’s life and provide more rights! Let’s hope the upcoming elections in India will bring some change, for sure don’t step aside, participle as much as you can even if through the “NOTA”, you need to have an opinion and your voice matters.
        Well I’m humbled by your encouragement words and enthusiasm 😊 I don’t know if I can be a part of such corrupted system, because alone I can’t achieve anything, I need allies and will certainly become a part of all this regardless if they ever elected me or not hahaa believe me the men prefer another kind of women and we have plenty! But appreciate your advice though, what about you? do you consider it one day?
        I live and work in Beirut city (the capital), my family is outside the city, so I visit in the weekend but we talk everyday
        Wish you a good end of the week and a great weekend as well 🙂

      • Hearty Morning to you Huguette ☕ 🙂
        I had exertion but I had a good sleep too
        Thank you for such pure concern ! 😇❤

        Well I’m clearly hoping for the best for some productive amendments to be implemented in my Motherland just like you care about yours.
        But it completely relies on the Member of Parliament and Legislative Assembly who gets elected .
        Yes! I’ll never back out from my right and duty.
        I’ll be Voting for sure and also would encourage others to step out and vote.
        Even a single vote make a great difference ✌

        I can understand which Women you are referring to
        for whom Men are crazy about 😑

        I wish I could participate as a candidate in Elections but it’s near to impossible Bcuz,
        “An honest being has no room in Politics”

        Have a great Friday ahead 😇

      • Good morning Abhijeet, glad you had a good sleep, hope your day will be good and productive 🙂
        Let’s always hope for the best and yes every voice counts! Encourage them all to vote, negativity has never served anyone!
        Ok then same reason I don’t participate, you need to be a part of the corrupted system and you can’t!
        Have a great day as well and enjoy the weekend 🙂

      • Hope you had a great Friday Huguette

        I’m feeling quite drowsy 😓
        Due to heavy Workload may be ..

        Anyway,
        You have a superb weekend with your family 🙌😇

      • Sorry to hear that! Hope you will be able to have some rest during the weekend 😊 my day is a normal working day fortunately no load and stress!
        Thank you, hope you will have a relaxing weekend 👍😊

      • Beirut city is well developed city as far as I’ve heard.
        Hope you feel comfortable and secured where you reside and also at your workplace.

        Wish you a great day at work and Happy Friday as you’ll be catching up with your family 😇

      • Beirut is a great city now, hope you’ll visit it one day 🙂 Yes it’s safe nowadays, the conflicts are over and all is good, thank you for your concern 😇
        Wish you the same and all the best always 🙂

      • I’d love to visit your place Huguette if gotten chance ❤

        I want you to visit Mumbai too ✌
        It’s a city which never sleeps
        Do give a try for it 😇

  6. your article is superb and it has touched my heart so much that I am speechless at the moment.You have rightly said in your article-“what goes around comes around”
    I am sorry i am not in a position to write anything else!
    May God always be on your side and give you only the best thing in life.
    Love you dear Hug!

  7. Wow, this is heartbreaking. Thank you so much for translating it. My life has never been personally touched by war, and I have never had to run from bombs or explosions. I can’t imagine what that fear and lack of peace must feel like. God must look down at us and weep over the horrible things that men do to each other. Thank you for giving the world a glimpse into your “homeland.” It will definitely make me think differently about my own life and problems. I hope that things are safer now.

    • Thank you for reading and for your kind words and interaction! I really appreciate it.
      Yes wars are ugly, hope you’ll never have to live these horrible moments, no one should I believe…But this world is getting uglier each day unfortunately
      Now, we’re living in peace but as I mentioned it’s a time bomb you never know when it will explode. We have beautiful things as well, not only wars, I wrote 2 posts: Why Lebanon is special, if you would like to check them. I love my country but I wrote this post after I was really fed up from the situation.
      Thank you again for your time!

  8. Hi Huguette, how are you doing? This is one brilliant political article narrated in a visceral language. I could feel for what you had gone through and still going through.

    I have been regularly going through world news since the last 14 to 15 years or to be precise since the Arab Spring sprouted in Tunisia. I definitely do not comprehend the travails as a person like you, who had to spend your childhood years going through the chaos of civil war. This is just my personal view as a viewer, with NO political intent in the least.

    I believe sovereignty and democracy are fundamental to a nation’s progress. The people should decide and the powers that be should execute, a form of representative democracy. I have only the slightest knowledge about the confessional democracy in practice there. How does it help when even an iota of the power of execution rests with outside factions like Hezbollah or countries like the U.S or Russia( I have read that Lebanon is nowadays cozying up to Russia, must be having its own reasons for that and of course Russia too must be having a well-planned out strategy of its own). These opportunists work to their own benefit by feeding on and fanning out soft-spots like the sectarian strife prevalent in the Middle-East.

    There is nothing wrong in amicable relationships with factions or other countries, in fact, it should be like that, but to an extent only. The relationship should ideally be a no-holds-barred one, though that is not completely possible practically. I would say the ultimate decision-making process of who should be behind the rudder must be vested on the people only and no outsiders should be allowed to poke their nose in sovereign matters. And it should also be borne in mind that importing of the so-called hallowed Western democracy from outsiders is not without serious downsides as Iraq, Libya, Afghanistan, and many other countries could vouch for.

    Another irony is the answerless question of why and how, many representative democracies in this world now are striving against the onslaught of populist, totalitarian-minded leaders. The saddest part is that the consequences are borne by the common people, while those at the upper echelons evade the repercussions.

    That said, Lebanon is a wonderful country with a beautiful heart, the humanitarian side of which I adore so much. The sheer number of refugees( Palestinians before and Syrians now) that you host is proof enough to the open minds and huge hearts of the Lebanese. I love the place. 🙂

    .

    • Hello Deepa, so glad to see you here! You are deeply missed 🙂 I’m doing well thank you, hope you’re enjoying your break
      Thank you so much for such great and heartwarming words; this post was coming from an aching heart indeed so I’m sure you felt it…
      Arab Spring! Yes we all remember how it started and it’s so bad that it didn’t remain a spring
      Probably your experience is different but war is war; horror is horror so I’m sure you could really feel each word and I surely respect your personal view don’t worry at all.
      Here in Lebanon, they keep saying we’re a democratic country and democracy is ruling over and we elect our parliament representatives and they choose the government members and the president of republic so basically we have democracy, practically it’s as I described: sectarianism and subordination, blind fanaticism and corruption! Same people ruling over since eternity, they make suitable laws so they can stay forever, last parliamentary election was held on May 2018. I elected the candidates representing the civil society, decent people in my point of view, but not even one person won. This is what I’m saying, you must watch the international game regardless the democracy, Lebanon is cozying up to Russia because of the results of last elections (Russia and Syria allies had the majority of seats in the parliament) and our president inclination as well. Both US and Russia intervene in everything and have a word in everything! As I said we have puppets! The misfortune of being born in a small country and yes of course the Sectarian Strife is the best way so we can kill each other’s without anyone even touches us! What do you think keeping us all divided and fighting? So sad really.
      Amicable relationships are a must but what’s happening is a “Mandate” and interfering and more…I believe we can be free and have democracy without importing the Western democracy, we can apply what suit us and what’s convenient but with respect to basic human rights and with the existence of applicable laws and decent life. I believe what’s happening in all these countries are a part of the New Middle East plan drawn by the USA long time ago. We all know and despite we’re all screwed!

      Lebanon is wonderful indeed, hope you’ll visit soon 🙂 and we really paid huge prices already, the country can’t really take these numbers of refugees but no one seems to care, it was a disaster on economy situation and many aspects, yes we have huge hearts but there’s a Lebanese saying “if the person you love is honey, don’t it eat it all” (something like that haha) if someone is good, don’t push them to their limits…I won’t speak about the Lebanese civil war with the Palestinians…We really had enough, we want everyone to be happy in their country, we want to live in peace, but all conspiracies don’t want this to happen! They have another agenda and the irony you mentioned is a reflection of the fake democracy, it’s just another agenda and only the innocent are paying!
      You have no idea how valuable is your interaction to me and how important is your opinion, you’re one of the few readers here, real readers that I really admire!
      I hope my translation was fair, I did it alone, and I just wanted people to read even if the English is not perfect
      Have a great day! 🙂

      • I too miss all my blogger friends, sometimes we need to invest more time in family and work and that’s when we procrastinate our own little joys and interests, we need to balance everything.

        That was an absolutely wonderful translation of your predicament, right from the heart of someone inside the zone, I would say. We as readers never get to know the truth by just reading newspaper articles since ,you know, not even one newspaper in all this world blares out truth as it is. Most are weighed down by the heavy political and cultural bias. Online media is inundated with ‘fake news’ and I prefer the fine print than the other one.

        Nice chatting with you and thank you for the Lebanese perspective of what is going on there . Enjoy your Friday off. 🙂

      • Time is wisely invested indeed! Family is so important so is work 🙂
        Glad I could provide a real reflection of what’s happening, surely it won’t be written in the online media and certainly not even one newspaper blares out truth as it is, they all have their own political views and relationships to maintain! I’m just an honest person that has nothing to lose and I have no masters on earth!
        It’s great communicating with you indeed, I hope you and your family are having a great and peaceful time and hope we’ll stay in touch 🙂 In Lebanon our weekend is Saturday-Sunday (Sunday is same as Friday in most Arab worlds) some people work half day on Saturdays 🙂 I don’t gladly 😀

      • It’s always so nice talking to you, Huguette. :). I thought, all over the Middle- East the off-day is a Friday ( another new information ).
        Your honesty reflects on your work culture, true.
        All the very best to you and family too. 🙂

  9. Tears to my eyes. My family lost their homeland and I was born in America. It wasn’t until I was a ‘little older’ and grandma told me stories that I learned…

    Arabic is such a pretty script.
    I’ve written a piece in Ukrainian-Song for My Unborn Child. English just couldn’t convey the feeling my soul has. 🙂

    • Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your experience! Losing a homeland can be such devastating!
      Glad you liked the Arabic language, I agree some feelings are better expressed with the language we love the most 🙂

      • Thank you for the nice words 🙂 You’re from Ukraine I take it? Nice to meet you as well and looking forward to seeing you here and reading your posts as well 🙂

      • This is why I ❤️ the internet.
        My family came from Ukraine to America years ago. Even through all her pains-Ukraine has not yet perished. I am seeing so many many beautiful signs of hope for Ukraine.
        I wish the same for your homeland.
        🙂

      • Yes connecting with the entire world is so easy now 🙂 I wish Ukraine better days and future as well and the pain relief to your family 🙂 Thank you for the kinds words!

      • You are most welcome! Thank you too!🙏🏻
        Since I started blogging (Jan 20, 2019) I’m more and more aware—just how deeply the kind words of others affect me. I’m getting goosebumps and teary-eyed all the time now! Lol. Words are powerful and empowering—if used with care and discretion—what we can accomplish together. I remain ever hopeful we see better days ahead 🙂

      • Of course kind and encouraging words can do miracles, they are able to change someone’s day and sometimes life! Same as bad words can destruct and hurt
        Glad you found a supporting community and hope your blog will grow and fulfill your goal 🙂 Have a good time

      • Indeed! You are a strong woman. Most people only read about such things and can only empathize, you lived it. I have not experienced anything like you have but I have experienced some painful things in my life. There was a time I could not write about it as it just felt like going through it all over. It was too overwhelming. Now I find it to be therapeutic. Many blessings to you! ❤️

      • Thank you for your kind words ❤️ I never wrote about my feelings regarding all what we went through, just recently I wrote 2 posts flashback 1 & 2 and my political articles are mostly out of anger and despair, this article contains some feelings I buried most of them deep down I guess and you’re right writing or speaking is always therapeutic but sometimes you’re numb probably I don’t know
        I truly appreciate your kindness ❤️ Many blessings to you as well

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