Who Am I?

I wrote this in 2008! I published it here in 2012 in its original version: Classical Arabic. Today I decided to re-publish it but with English translation! Hope you will like it 🙂

هل استفقت يوماً لتكتشف بأنك تكره كل ما اعتدت أن تحبه؟
تكره طريقة تصرفكَ، أُسلوبكَ، ملابسكَ، ذوقكَ
لا تحب كل ما تفعله عادةُ، لا تريدُ أن تكون مع من تكون عادةً
تكتشفَ أنّ هذه الحياة ليست حياتكَ
وتتمنى لو أنّك تختفي لتظهرَ في عالمٍ آخر مناقضٍ لعالمكَ؟
Have you wake up one day and realized that you hate everything you used to love?
You hate the way you behave, your style, your clothes, your taste
You dislike what you usually do; you don’t want to be with whom you’re usually with
You discover that this life is not your life
And you wish that you can just disappear and then appear in a total opposite world?

I woke up and I didn’t find me! إستفقتُ ولم أجدني
I searched for me, in vain! بحثتُ عنّي دون جدوى
I don’t know who replaced me! لا أدري من ذا الذي حلّ مكاني
I detest all what I love! أكره كل ما أُحبه
I can’t stand what I used to do! لا أُطيق ما اعتدتُ فعله
I hate my work, I hate my friends! لا أُحب عملي، لا أُحب أصدقائي
I dislike this music! أكره هذه الموسيقى
Why I wear these clothes! لماذا أرتدي هذه الثياب؟
Why I wear this perfume? لماذا أضع هذا العطر؟
Why I look like idiots? لماذا أبدو كالأغبياء؟
Why I live this life? لماذا أعيش هذه الحياة؟
Why I arrange my stuff this way? لماذا أُرتب أغراضي بهذه الطريقة؟
Why I eat this food? لماذا آكل هذا الطعام؟
Why all these rules and red lines? لماذا كل هذه القواعد والخطوط الحمراء؟
Why I get scared? Why I get sad? لماذا أخاف؟ لماذا أحزن؟
Why I don’t speak whenever I want? لما لا أتكلم حين أشاء؟
Why I don’t go wherever I want? لما لا أذهب حيث أشاء

Why and why? لماذا ولماذا؟

Probably I found myself but where? In the wrong place, at the wrong time!
رُبما وجدتُ نفسي… ولكن أين؟ في المكان والزمان الخاطئين
So I went back to sleep, maybe when I wake up, I lose it again and I continue what so-called “My Life”
“عُدتُ إلى النوم مجدداً علّني حين أستفيق أُضيعها مجدداً وأُكمل ما يسمى ب “حياتي

H.A – February 15th 2019


  1. It is so strange that you posted this today. I wrote a blog that got deleted this morning about discovering the I am and it made me so frustrated. And to see that you put up a post on the same day, although it is from years ago about a poem called Who am I, Errie. thank you for sharing.

    • Well it’s strange indeed 😊 I hope I didn’t make you more frustrated then! Thank you for reading and for your interaction, always glad to see you here despite how busy you are 😊
      You deleted it because it made you frustrated? I think you should publish it even if it was so sad but it’s how you felt or feeling

  2. I know the feeling, i was asking myself the same questions, until i find out the answers, took me a while. I was trying to escape those question, i was running from the, i felt scared to don’t find any answers, but when i finally started to answer it look much easier than i thought✍🏻 have a greta sunday!

  3. So many why’s?…I think when someone knows the answers to all these questions, knows very well who he/she is…and when you know who you are is wonderful! Your life is wonderful!
    Such powerful words Huguette! So well written! My compliments! ❤️

    • This terrible feeling! The hardest lesson in life is knowing yourself! Not easy at all, and when you know sometimes you can’t accept, which is harder and the reason of the ending
      Appreciate your support and reading my old posts 🙏🏻🙏🏻 your compliments are such an honor 😊❤️

      • I think we must accept who we are and if we don’t like who we are we can always try to change and improve ourselves, become who we want to be! Find our place in this world! It is important to not live a life as a person that we don’t recognise 💕🌸

      • Yes totally right, I agree on that but I guess not everyone has the courage despite knowing this and agreeing with this
        Hope your day is going smoothly and you’re enjoying 😊🌞💕

  4. Well, wow. Did not expect that. Couldn’t possibly write that in Arabic.
    The why’s are quite tiring, to be honest. It’s frustrating that your mind isn’t satisfied with the answer “There’s no reason!” or “why not?”. Powerful piece and certainly thought-provoking.

    • Déjà !! 😊 thank you Nour glad you liked it! Ana aslan bektub bl 3arabi w bktub makalat bl jareedi kent so I’m better in Arabic that’s it, I express better, I have wide variety if vocabulary
      This is how it felt and maybe still feeling, i just put them on paper
      Appreciate your uplifting words a lot !! 💕💕

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